Is it really better to burn-out than to fade away?

For years Scott Nauss and I would travel - usually alone - to BJJ tournaments scattered across Nova Scotia and New Brunswick. We never missed a chance to compete. We would drive long hours hours on Staurday morning, drive home aching, and then drive long hours again the next day to do it all without the gi. The brackets were huge. The energy was intense. I hated it and loved it. I knew if I stopped I may never return. The adrenaline dumps and the social anxiety mixed with the fear of losing in public created a perfect storm of restless motivation. I dont regret it for a second. Win or lose, I always left a stronger competitor. Moreover, I always left with a few new friendships. Of course we reprsented our individual clubs. But in the end we were team Nova Scotia or team Atlantic Canada. Strong friendships formed in those gymnasiums. I always look forward to those smiling faces, hugs, and genuine "what's new" re-encounters. Then things changed for the worse....

So what went wrong? Two years ago almost to this date I experienced a manic episode as the result of a psychiatrist prescribed medical intervention. From there the next medication caused a total break from reality ( it was fun while it lasted....even though it sucked). I then fell into that deep hole: a cocktail of hopeless exhaustion, shame and guilt, and life has no purpose to it.....shaken and stirred....... I tried to think positive and eat more brocoli. I listened to how others overcame their depression as they wondered why I was not willing to overcome mine. Some people got it: it was not merely anxiety or depression. It was a family tree rife with bi-polar and schizophrenia on both sides. It was years of walking that delicate line between madness and melancoly. And, in the end I broke (just for a moment).  Bottom line: I am doing well today. But big crowds - even ones full of people I want to see - intimidate me. somedays I am ready to run for president. Other days, I am ready to run for cover (literally underneath the bed sheets). I cant quite explain it. But know this: when I am ready, I will be back. I may even be back tomorrow. But if I wake up and I dont have what it takes, I wont feel guilty.......even though I know I should be there with you.....

Love you all: Have a great day at the BIG SHOW: Shout out to Pictou County Titans!